Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Four months ago a friend of mine from Brown invited a group of us to Cabo for a weekend getaway.
I was thrilled.
The twins would be 11 months old and I could scoot away for a few days easily!
They’d be fine.
So would Madison (13), Sagey (7) and Phoenix (4).
Philippe was a love and said wholeheartedly, “You should go! We’ll be fine. I’ll just hunker down and camp out here with the five kids for the weekend. We’ll have fun!”
He booked my tickets on points that night, and I was ecstatic.
My friends AND a beach!
I’ve never left my five kids. Ever.
This would be big.
Fast-forward two months.
I looked ahead in my ical as I was scheduling a video shoot for Foodforthought.com, and saw CABO in pink (of course) on March 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th.
My stomach dropped.
A feeling of dread filled my body as my heart sank.
A reaction like this I did not expect.
“What’s going on?” I asked myself.
“Why the dread? Why the pit in my stomach? What’s the fear?”
Then it hit me––my fear spoke loud and clear, “My twins aren’t going to be ready for me to leave them in 8 weeks . . .they’re still nursing five times a day! How can I leave them? How can they go four days without nursing, and without Mommy?”
When I saw my ex-husband the next day I mentioned my ambivalence about the trip (he knows all of the friends from Brown with whom I was slated to getaway).
“Oh, yeah, reunions like that are hard,” he said, and then he went into a whole thing about how this and that reunion with this and that friend turned out to be a drama because of this and that.”
“No,” I explained, “It’s not that at all. It’s that Dakota and Montana are nursing so much and I’m so blessed to be able to nurse twins so easily and I don’t want to leave them without nursing––and me! –– for four days and I don’t want to lose my breast milk.”
He continued on with more stories about reunions, as though he hadn’t heard a thing I’d said.
Some things never change.
I ruminated about Cabo for a day or so––very unlike me at this point in my life after a lot of yoga and letting go. I usually have clarity quickly and if not, I let it go until the muddy waters settle, as the Tao recommends.
Then I asked the Universe for help, and I did let it go. I set an intention to stop thinking about it, and had faith that the answer would come.
My departure date for Cabo is now three days away.
I have no clarity.
On Saturday I thought I did.
I was talking with two of our servers at Prana Restaurant (eatatprana.com), and one of the servers said, “I don’t have kids, but I think you should go!” while the other, a new Supermom to a three-month-old son, told me she was heartbroken because she’d lost her breast milk while she’d had the flu for five days.
“You’re my divine intervention!” I told her. “I’m not going. I don’t want to lose my breast milk.”
But then that night, as I was falling asleep, my Spirit whispered, “Go. It’ll be OK. The twins will be fine. Face your fear. Dust off that breast pump and make sure it works and oh, buy a bathing suit because Girl, you ain’t got one that fits!”
Well, maybe my Spirit didn’t talk exactly like that, but that was the gist of it.
(I’m a minimalist and have one bathing suit, and it’s the one I wore while pregnant with the twins, so a shopping trip would be necessary if Cabo were in the cards.)
Now if you’ve read my blog, you know that I ALWAYS listen to my Spirit.
Or almost always.
So why not now?
Why no clarity?
I’m not sure, but I will be.
At the perfect time.
That I DO know.