Breastfeeding
Do you? Did you? Why? Why not? Was it your choice or was the choice made for you—by your family/your friends/the community/your doctor/your body/the peanut gallery? Did you feel supported in your decision or not so much? Do/did you have guilt because you didn’t—or did? Did you have guilt when you stopped or when you chose not to stop for many years? Do you judge other Super-moms who don’t nurse—or do?
And what is this all about anyway? The judgment, the guilt. the fear, the anger. This is by far one of the touchiest subjects that this Super-mom can broach, but that hasn’t deterred me in the past.
So put it out there, Super-moms. Tell your story and let’s come together around this topic and support each other for the unique and important choices we each made.
I’ll start the dialogue by saying that so far, I have breastfed all of my children. I would love to have more children and would love breastfeed them too; however, it is always up to the Universe whether it’s going to fly or not. I was extremely blessed with my three children in that they latched on very easily from birth and nursed well from then on. I never had a sore or cracked nipple or had to use Lanolin ointment, although I had it on hand just in case, Sister, because I’d heard the stories. We all have our share of what challenges us when we have a newborn but this, I am very fortunate to say, was not one of mine. I found breastfeeding to be a wonderful way to connect with my baby, nourish her/him in the best way I knew how, and get off of my feet once in awhile and meditate, although I have been known to nurse while on the move when necessary. ☺
My first child, Madison (now 11) weaned herself at 13.5 months old. I had different plans on how long she’d nurse, but followed her guidance—my wisest teacher at the time. I still remember chasing her around saying “Nursey?! Nursey?” as she ignored me and bombed around our house exploring anything and everything. She was Done–with a capital “D”–and this Super-mom had a few issues around allowing that—around letting go. But let go I did, and off she went.
So in came Sagey (now 4), who had no intention of stopping nursing (she called it “THIS”), now—or ever. I was pregnant with our third child Phoenix (yes, you can get pregnant while you are nursing) and Sagey was 2.5 years old and still going strong. “THIS!! THIS!! I WANT THHHHHHHIIIISSSS!!” She could be heard saying while chasing ME around the pink house. The universe has quite a sense of humor, and timing. I attempted–quite unsuccessfully–to wean her twice between the ages of 2 and 2.5. The first time my husband put her down for her nap and bedtime while I hid out in our attic office, cringing at the sound of her wailing “I WANT MOMMY!! WHERE IS MOMMY?! I WANT THHHHHIIIISSS!!”
Mission not accomplished.
The second attempt involved me following the somewhat dubious advice of my health care provider, who swore to me that if I fled the scene for three nights, she’s forget all about nursing. Looking back, I must have unconsciously really wanted to go visit my friend in NYC for a few nights because Girl, there’s no way I could’ve really bought that. I returned home three days (and long nights) later with very sore breasts to Sagey waiting at the door—for Mommy and “THIS.”
Then one day Sagey got strep throat. At my checkup that afternoon my midwife stated that the breastfeeding was over—that moment—since I could get strep on my nipples, and I absolutely did not want to do that.
I arrived home to give Sagey the news. After explaining to my precious toddler what my Midwife had said, Sagey said two words: “OK Mommy,” and went back to playing.
Ahhhh, the wisdom, candidness, and unpredictability of a toddler.
Phoenix, now 22 months, is still nursing once a night–right before bedtime. It’s not really for nourishment at this point of course—it’s more about comfort and his bedtime routine. I’m not sure when he’ll wean. I’m open, and watching him–and myself–for signs that we’ve had it.
So breastfeeding has been a wonderful, fulfilling, and incredibly convenient experience for my three children and me thus far in my parenting adventure. I have many friends who’ve had similar experiences, and many who’ve had different ones. I support and honor all of their choices and feelings on this topic, as I hope every Super-mom would.
November 30th, 2009 at 9:27 am
I nursed my daughter until she was 2 yo exactly. I was kinda over it at that point and one day told her ‘Mommy is not feeling well and it is not good for you to have your ‘Mama Na’ when Mommy is not feeling well.’ She said ‘OK.’ No drama or anything. She was ready.
I found breast-feeding to be one of the best things I could do for both of us. It just worked and although at around 18months, I was tired of the still 2am feedings, I am so glad of how this was such a wonderful journey for all of us.
She will now, at 5, sometimes pat my chest and say ‘I like your boobs.’ and look up all longingly with a big silly smile on her face. And I will say ‘Thank you! But girlfriend, you had them for 2 years and they are now all mine!’
We both have a good laugh at that.
I too honor the decisions women and their families make about this but would say to anyone on the fence, do breastfeed and do so for as long as you can and as long as it works for YOU, your child and your family.
Yay boobs!
November 30th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Breastfeeding! It is such a funny thing. The guilt that surrounds it can be awful. There are BF’g fanatics that make you feel SO BAD if you don’t. Others who are so against it that make you feel dumb if you do. Sigh…..
I breastfed my daughter for nearly a year. She too weaned herself and wanted NO part of mommy anymore at 11 mos old.
However, I had sore nipples, cracked and bleeding. So cracked to the point I could ony feed on one side because the other side bled so much. I would pump the other side and the milk came out looking like V8 juice! GROSS.
I got clogged ducts NUMEROUS times. Ouch! I had to pump them out. I produced so much milk I could not even go take a yoga class or I’d leak, be uncomfortable, or have to go pump in the middle of it. Even when my daughter was sleeping through the night, I would have to get up and pump or I’d be SO SORE.
Then all of a sudden my milk supply all but vanished. I was then a pumping queen again so we could have enough milk on hand in case – oh – heaven forbid – I needed to leave the house.
Once my hubby took my little girl to in the in-laws for the day so I could get a break and some much, much needed rest. He SPILLED the milk and I had to cart my butt 40 minutes in the car to the inlaws because she had no milk. ARGH!
I literally drove myself crazy with it. I felt like I was under house arrest. Why did I do this to myself?
So if there is a second baby I am not sure I’d put myself through all of that again. I would try, but not going to listen to my ‘family/friends/the community/doctor/the peanut gallery – ONLY my body.
Thanks for sharing.
December 1st, 2009 at 7:04 am
Baby #1 I only nursed for 3 months…..I spent the first 6 weeks in so much agony and pain before I saw a lactation consultant. I made it as long as I could before I realized that I absolutely dreaded every feeding that I was scared that it was negatively impacting my relationship with my daughter. I felt SOOO guilty for stopping….I can’t even explain the guilt and shame and failure I felt over this. My now almost two year old is the healthiest, happiest, and downright fun kid I know, and seeing this I have been able to forgive myself. Baby #2 is due to arrive in two months. This time I have a 6 month goal for breastfeeding, but we’ll take it day by day, and this time I will have support lined up from the start and not be afraid to call.
December 2nd, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Ahhh, breast feeding, one of the most vivid experiences from my ‘baby’ years, and one I often find myself strangely missing at the grand age of 51!
I also had difficulties nursing my first son. I lost a tremendous amount of blood when an existing fibroid was nicked during my planned C section (the fibroid’s positioning necessitated the C section). Obstinate, overwhelmed and extremely hormonal new Mom-thang that I was, I ignored my doctor’s advice by refusing to get what was, in hindsight, a much-needed blood transfusion. As a result, I was completely wiped and anemic, which vastly affected both my energy levels and, more so, my milk production. Both baby and I were unable to get our breast feeding mojo on despite our valiant efforts, and, after 3 months of communal misery, we packed it in. I was deeply disappointed and highly critical of myself. I felt like I had totally failed PERFECT MOTHER 101, and it ended up casting a storm cloud over what should have been my complete bliss reveling in the experience of my first child.
Baby #2 came out of the womb ready to rock on the nipple, and then some. This time, knowing I was going to have to have another planned C section, I had my own blood banked in advance, and received it back in the form of a transfusion before we were discharged. Mama came home feeling just fab this time around and, 12 glorious, empowering months later, I cried when he let it be known, almost overnight, that he was SO over El Boob despite my desire to keep on keepin’ on much, much longer.
While I would never stand in judgement of any other mother’s choice, and fully support all my remarkable sistahs, come boob or bottle, there is an undeniable truth that the breast is the most fantastic and healthy gift in the form of food that we can possibly provide for our babies. It is fact that no formula can come close to duplicating it. That being said, there is also a righteous truth in realizing that breast feeding might not end up working out, for so many reasons, on so many levels. So new Moms, and Moms-to-be, I would gently and respectfully offer that you commit to at least giving it a go, and then let the Universe take its natural course with compassion and forgiveness for yourself, and belief in your power to mother fully and beautifully however the milk flows. Peace and power Super-Peeps.
December 3rd, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Breastfeeding, or nursing, definitely brings up a lot of chatter. I was surprised at how much judgement I felt about the fact that I was breastfeeding the first time around. I breastfed our Sebastian for 11 months, I was three months pregnant with number two, (Peter now three weeks old), when Sebastian and my body simultaneously decided it was time. I was surprised by the comments from neighbors and family when they learned I was still nursing, even after I found out I was pregnant. I hate to make sweeping generalizations, but sometimes I felt that it was acceptable to nurse a newborn, but the older the child got, the weirder it was that I would still nurse, and I only did it for 11 months!
Breastfeeding started off difficultly for me, as Sebastian was 5 weeks early and in the NICU under an oxygen cube for two days before my husband and I were allowed to really hold him & I could try breastfeeding. Lactation consultants and nurses helped me start pumping so that my milk would come in, and luckily Sebastian latched on shortly after we were able to begin trying. The anxiety over whether or not he was getting enough milk made me crazy in the beginning, especially because he was such a peanut. Each doctor visit with a weight gain increased my confidence and awe in my body. I felt like it was the biggest gift that I was able to nourish my baby with my body. I didn’t feel like I was a better mother for it, I just gained a lot of respect for my body and enjoyed the quiet times, even in the middle of the night. I loved nursing and continued it despite family and friend comments about…’wow you are pregnant, thank God now you got to get Sebastian off the boob.’. Obviously not all family and friends came across as judging, but it seemed that the longer I nursed the more judgmental the comments felt.
I am more then pleasantly surprised about how much easier nursing has been with our second, Peter. Not being early, we were able to get started right away. It was so much less stressful then dealing with pumping to get my milk to come, though if I had to I would do the same again~the reward is worth the work.
My favorite thing about breastfeeding is the convenience~no measuring or packing extra bottles~and the lack of knowing exactly how much the baby has eaten. I never have to worry about if the little guy has or hasn’t finished his bottle, etc. To date breastfeeding is one of the ultimate lessons in trusting my body. This time around I am more confident in my body, more comfortable nursing on the go, and once again thankful that my body and baby are working together.
I don’t judge others for their decision to breastfeed or not and instead of feeling judged by others come back to the fact that this is a decision I thankfully got to make.
December 7th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
what a timely article! i am thinking about weaning right now. my son will be one in two weeks and i weaned my first daughter at 14 months and my second daughter at 12 months. because of the need to be “fair” i feel like i need to wean him now too. the girls weaned easily but this little guy…not so much. i am encouraged to see that you are nursing once a day mostly for comfort…maybe that’s what we will end up doing. the breastfeeding debate is crazy. i really feel for moms who didn’t breastfeed for one reason or another because i know there are a lot of people out there who are judgemental. i also know that there are a lot of judgements about women (like me) who exclusively nurse, and because of that often have to do it in public. i am discreet, but there is no way i’m sitting in a public bathroom, or letting my child go hungry when i’m out with my baby. now of course he’s older and can eat solid food when we are out, but i’ve nursed many a time in public and endured the stares of strangers and comments from my in-laws. it’s time that we all start supporting each other and the decisions that are best for us.
December 9th, 2009 at 10:25 am
I have both breast and bottle fed for different reasons at those particular times in my life! One thing that I have to say is that the only regret that I have regarding either decision was the time that I spent tripping over the Mommy guilt for doing one or the other. I think that happy smart, wonderful children can and will be raised on both the breast and the bottle. The one upmanship of one being better is what drives many useless debates. I think that what a Mom chooses to feed her baby is her personal choice, and that she should NEVER be judged as bad or wrong for taking care of her baby as she sees fit. You have to go with the flow (or not if your breasts stop producing enough milk and you have to supplement your hungry baby with formula as was in my case the 1st time around:)…the same goes with extended breastfeeding. If that is what works for that particular Mom and her kiddos, so be it! Why bother worrying about what someone else is doing as long as they are doing it with a loving intent?
I have to say that had my second daughter not self weaned at 6 months, I would not have gotten pregnant with her brother 4 1/2 months later, so I have to admit to smiling every time I see a can of Carnation GoodStart (her formula of choice), because had she not been guzzling that down, who knows when he would have arrived?
December 11th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Wow, I have to say that upon first reading this article and the comments (which I was inexplicably drawn to) my old anger and hurt started to rise to the surface once again over this subject. I then allowed myself to use my yoga to note the anger and frustration and let it go but chose to share my thoughts as well.
My hurt over this subject started LONG before my new motherhood journey started (just four short months ago). Literally as far back as I can remember, my mother, who I love and respect and look up to, was repeatedly judged by those around her for her parenting decisions. I actually heard people in our town accuse her of “child abuse” because she was a working mother and my sister and I were raised as “latch-key” kids. Then, as I got older, even though it was the norm in those times, I heard people judge her for her decision to never breastfeed myself or my sister. The stories about lower I.Q.s and health problems thrown in her face. Putting aside that unfairness to my mom alone, I often wondered, even as a young child, did anyone stop and think how hurtful those comments could be to the children? My sister and I grew up hearing that we were somehow victims to bad decisions. That we should expect to be less intelligent, less healthy, and less adjusted than our peers. What a horrible message to send to any child! It was to our advantage, fortunately, that we have such a strong and intelligent mother. She acknowledged the mixed messages we were hearing and always encouraged us to do and be our best because we had the power to be and do whatever we chose!
Even with that lesson from our mothers, as a grown adult I still found myself on the defensive. When I finally became pregnant a year ago, history repeated itself. So many people found it somehow appropriate to tell me their judgmental opinions regarding my choices to 1) work and 2) bottle feed my coming baby. With respect to the first choice, I found it easier to block out other’s opinions on that subject, but I found the subject of breastfeeding to be one that was almost impossible to ignore. Daily I was confronted by people who thought it was appalling that I was choosing not to breastfeed. By doctors, co-workers, friends, family, and perfect strangers. It was awful. I finally broke down and just before going into labor agreed that I would “try it out” and see if it could work. I wish, at times, that I had listened to one woman’s comment a little closer during that time. She said to me that if my heart wasn’t in it, it wasn’t going to happen. Fast forward to the hours after my emergency c-section (so now already feeling like a “failure” in that I was unable to successfuly push my boy through a “normal” delivery), I was told by nurses that I had “defective” nipples. They were flat and would need some good manipulation to get going. Mind you I was never even asked if I was thinking about bottle feeding. So I gave it a go, figuring that was what was expected from me and exhausted. So I pumped and manipulated my nipples, used latch devices and got my beautiful son to breastfeed using the plastic latch barriers. I was determined not to fail this time and my competitive nature came through (my yoga not in my mind at the time). And it worked….for about a week, the week I was in the hospital. My milk came in like nobody’s business, they were shocked at how ready my body was for this. I was sent home with a pump and a bunch of other breastfeeding goodies and told to rock on. Unfortunately my luck ended there. It became obvious almost immediately upon returning home that something was wrong. Every feeding became a heartbreaking experience for both myself and my son. My son would thrash and wail after just a few sips of my milk. He would arch his back, turn red, and scream in pain. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I cried and cried and began to fee like I was poisoning my son with my milk. I would not wish that anguish on anyone. I begged my doctors for advice. What was I doing wrong? My son who had gained weight was suddenly losing weight again. They couldn’t tell me what was wrong and started to wonder if it was just new mommy anxiety. I was then told, upon further questioning, to try cutting various foods from my diet. Until I finally got to the point where all I could eat/drink was basically bread and water and still the agony continued. Yet still the pedi was pushing me to breastfeed. I finally got a consult with a specialist who diagnosed my boy with milk and soy protein allergies (this was also after trying to introduce three different formulas that did not help). At a month old he was already on three prescription drugs! It was terrible. BUT, once I stopped breastfeeding and found the correct hypoallergenic formula, my boy suddenly began to thrive! At four months today, he no longer needs any presription drugs and is doing incredibly well on the special formula. I am blessed!
So my advice, after this long and cathartic story? Go with your heart and your instincts. You will know in the end what is best for yourself and your child. I am fully open to the possibility now that next time, maybe the story will be different, but only time and an open heart will tell.
December 11th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
ah yes, and one final note that I forgot to add. Now, after having my own experiences and feelings on this subject, I in no way feel as though I have to forgive myself for my decision not to breastfeed. Quite simply, I don’t believe either choice needs to be forgiven because neither choice is ever wrong so long as it is right for you and your child.
December 11th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
You GO Allison (I have an Allison by the way so am convinced that all of you Allison’s out there are already awesome because you have such beautiful names). I actually teared up reading your post because I was SO there. People would look at me pull out my bottle for my oldest, Brenna, and just glare. One woman in Gymboree actually said “Well what do you expect? She is about 18 years old anyway and has no clue about motherhood” NICE…she had no “clue” that she was bashing/judging me to my friend, who while 15 years my senior at the time, saw me as a Mom, regardless of the fact that I was 24. We still laugh about that lady from 12 years ago who felt the need to make fun of my parenting choices under the big parachute:)!
Frankly, people can be mean and I am so glad that my daughter , never heard that because while I was stunned, it would have caused a hole in her little heart….the same way it did for you hearing all of those people say those stupid, terrible, hurtful things about your Mom….what kind of mothers were THEY, to say such things knowing that they were hurting someone else’s child????
Congrats on your beautiful little boy! As far as birthing them, feeding them, and raising them goes, do what your heart tells you to do, and surround yourself with supportive friends who you can flip that bottle to when you need it warmed up:)
January 27th, 2010 at 7:09 pm
I do not come to this site very often but was looking through some of the posts and saw this one. I have never responded to any post before, but I would like to tell my story.
I am a “new mom”. My daughter is 11 months old and exclusively breast-fed. Not necessarily by my choice. Yes, I did want to breast-feed, but I also wanted my child to take the bottle.) She has refused the bottle. I have quit my job and gotten a new job closer to home with shorter hours to cater to this. I love being close with my daughter but at the end of the day, I am exhausted. To be fair, i have not been taking the best care of myself. I feel like I am expected to say that breast-feeding is amazingly gratifying, which it is. But it is also quite tiresome. She is only 15% on the weight chart which makes me feel completely responsible for her weight. And breast-milk does not have iron in it. She is eating solids, but she has a quite a personality on her. She is ALWAYS happy, she gives these amazing hugs and kisses, and when she doesn’t want to eat she will just close her mouth. She will not cry and get upset. She will just sit there with her lips shut and sometimes a little grin on her face!
I do not see weaning in the near future. My life revolves around my daughter completely. Last weekend we went away to Kripalu with my daughter. My husband took care of R while I did activities.
As for judging others, I don’t. If anything I am envious that those mothers know how much their child is eating and that they can leave their child for another person to feed. They do not have to worry about their “milk supply” or if the baby is hungry. Sometimes it would be nice not to be the “only” person who can provide your child.
There is a lot of pressure as a new mom and breast-feeding. The worst is what we put on ourselves. Sometimes when I do judge other moms it is to make myself feel better because I am so scared that I am doing something wrong.