“Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.”
Archive for June, 2010
“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”
“In the time it takes you to understand a 14-year-old, he turns 15.”
We grounded our 12.75 year-old.
Never say never.
If you read my article a few weeks ago called GROUNDED! (Check it out in the archives), you know that I don’t particularly “believe” in “grounding” and I did my very best, Super-people, to find the “yogic alternative.”
Key words being “my very best.”
Clearly, Madison’s and my Spirit had different plans.
The events that transpired after I wrote “Grounded” Part One indicated nothing other than it was time to…rein it in, my Sisters.
I won’t reiterate the events because that’s paddling upstream and somewhat humiliating to my girl (as is me doing pretty much anything at this point—LOL), but suffice it to say, this Super-mom had complete and total clarity—grounding was the way to go.
“Well, she’s grounded,” I said calmly, “that much is totally clear,” I continued as Philippe breathed a sigh of relief.
He’d been saying she needed to be grounded for a while now, although I continuously begged to differ.
And we (almost) never disagree.
An interesting thing happened when I told Madison she was grounded.
I did so calmly, attempting to not leave the vortex while doing so, and she smiled and seemed relieved and happy.
RELIEVED and HAPPY, Super-people!
Then she began chatting with me about what this grounding entailed, when it was going to happen, etc.
And then she began…NEGOTIATING.
The work of a tween/teen: endless negotiation.
Ahhhhhh, I smiled as she asked if we could put it off a week because it was the end of the school year, after all.
I naively agreed (while Philippe laughed, shook his head in disbelief, and walked out of the room), making a “grounding schedule” that worked for Madison.
Yes, this is my first time navigating the tween and soon-to-be teen years, Super-people, and I’m finding my way.
Just as I was “over the top” when I was a first-time Super-mom with “just Madison,” I seem to be doing my share of “learning” as I navigate these choppy tween parenting waters as well.
You know what happened, right?
She was almost psyched about the grounding…until we actually began implementing it.
“I’m grounded today?! But so and so wants me to go to the beach in Plymouth! Can we do it a different day, Mommy?” she begged.
(Whenever there’s a “Mommy” involved, you KNOW she’s in negotiating mode—LOL).
“No, hon, I’m sorry. You’re grounded. That means you can’t join your friends. That’s the whole point,” I explained.
She continued. On and on. Negotiating, begging, sometimes with drama and sometimes without.
Finally, I remarked to Philippe in disbelief: “How can she continue to ask me the same question?! How can she continue to beg?”
“Because you’ve never had real consequences,” he explained sweetly. “She’s not used to this.”
Could this be true?
Had I always been consequence-free?
Perhaps I had, I reflected.
Because I really hadn’t HAD to—follow through with consequences.
The stakes hadn’t been this high and she’d always been such a great kid.
Not that she still isn’t. Now she’s just a great kid doing her developmental duty—to test the **** out of her parents.
So I asked her, “Honey, tell me why this is so difficult for you, besides the obvious (that you can’t be with your friends).”
“Well, it’s a little confusing, Mom, because you’ve never had consequences. You’ve always just talked to me about what happened, taught me the lesson, and then let it go. Because you’re a yogi,” she said, inserting a deep pain into my heart and pit in my stomach as she spoke.
Ahhhhh, she’d been reading the same Psych book as her Papa.
And she knew EXACTLY what to say to push this Super-mom’s buttons.
Have I stuck to her “grounding?”
Yes, I have.
We just finished day three. Four to go.
And the grounding experience is just about as painful—and rife with learning and growth–for this Super-mom as it is for her tween.
“I am every emotion times ten, I conform yet I’m rebellious, always obeying but somehow still an outlaw, always talking but never heard, I am a teenager.”
“Start writing a new chapter, for if you live by the book you’ll never make history.”
“Hmmm! Teenagers. They think they know everything. You give them an inch, and they swim all over you.”
“Your job on Earth, therefore, is not to learn (because you already know), but to remember Who You Are.”
Super-Mom Michelle Ormes:
First, let me say that I think every mother is a super-mom, although we rarely give ourselves credit for our daily heroics. We’re more likely to think about what we didn’t get done, what we’d like to do better, how our mommy friends must have it more together than we do, and on and on. The self-imposed guilt and judgment are the regular stuff of my meditation and reflection on and off the mat. But that’s a topic for another time.
I’m the very grateful mother of two boys (Owen, 9 and Dani, 7) who keep me hopping, somewhat hip and laughing. Who knew, at 44, that I’d know (and could discuss with great interest) the intricacies of Lego Ninjago, use “Kung Fu Panda” quotes in my yoga classes and enjoy the antics of Greg Heffley. But that’s me. I love being a mom and I LOVE being a mom of boys. Boys, with their boundless energy, curiosity, uncontrollable need to move and their cuddly sweetness, are the best! There’s truly no greater purpose in my life than to help my boys have the confidence to be happy in their own skin and to live a life filled with gratitude and compassion.
My definition of what a super-mom is has changed significantly in the past year. Until the middle of 2012, I defined it by my ability to balance a demanding corporate career with motherhood – I was proud of keeping all the balls in the air and not dropping any. I would marvel at all that I could accomplish before 6am. But that life left me alternately feeling accomplished at my ability “to do it all” and feeling unfulfilled and empty. I felt like no one was getting the best of me; my work, my husband, my kids.
So, after years of thinking about it and feeling “not so super”, I quit my job. I followed my heart and took a huge leap of faith. I got my yoga teaching certification. I took the summer off and played with my kids. I stopped rushing. I’m nicer (so my husband says . I pick my kids from school. I have far less money but the work I do now actually helps people. And now I feel like everyone is getting the best of me (or so much more than they ever got before).
So my definition of super-mom now is being someone who is following her path, setting an example for risk taking and listening to her heart and intuition. Now, I’m completely present in ways I never was before . I am grateful beyond words for having the opportunity to take this chance (not everyone can) and I don’t take a second of it for granted. But here’s what I’m learning – the way to be the best mom is to be true to who and what I am. The universe will show me the way. If I can teach that to my kids – then I really will be super.
- Parenting with Integrity
- No Adults Leave Their Crusts on the Plate
- The Universe Loves Metaphors
- Yelling At Your Kids
- From the Mouths of Babes Part 12
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