I have had an enormous shift, for which I am very grateful to my baby–the baby I lost 5 days ago, on May 5^th 2009, at 11 weeks pregnant.

Last night, after the worst Mother’s Day ever, as I was putting Sagey (age five) to bed, Sagey said “I remember the day that you found out that you were ‘preganat.’  You came running downstairs and we were all in the mudroom and you said ‘I’m preganat!  I’m preganat!  I’m preganat!’”  

“That was a happy day.” I replied.

Then Sagey said, “Now the days are sad.”

“Dear God,” I thought, “I didn’t think I could feel any worse, but now I do.”

I was feeling almost as bad about the meltdowns I’d been having—out of “nowhere”–since losing my baby as I did about my immense loss (*almost* is a key word here).  

I was not at all myself, which is of course OK/expected when you are grieving, but what came to me via my spirit was:

“WAKE UP!  THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE ONLY MOMENT THAT MATTERS.  THIS IS ALL YOU’VE GOT.  WAKE UP! COME BACK!  REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE.  DO I WANT TO BE PRESENT AND A SUPER-MOM TO MY KIDS WHO ARE HERE IN MY LIFE AND LIVING IN THE NOW OR BE IN THE PAST AND NOT BE PRESENT FOR THEM B/C I AM SO INCREDIBLY SAD, ANGRY, CONFUSED, DEVASTATED, EMPTY, ETC. ABOUT MY BABY WHO IS GONE? DO I WANT TO BE THE BEST I CAN BE IN THIS MOMENT FOR ALL LIVING BEINGS AND LIVE PEACE AND JOY, WHILE HONORING THE PAST AND ACKNOWLEDGING IT, OR LIVE IN THE PAST AND IN ANGER AND DESPAIR? DO I WANT TO SHOW MY KIDS IT’S OK/GOOD TO CRY BUT ALSO THAT IT’S IMPORTANT TO STAY PRESENT AND GROUNDED AND HAVE GRATITUDE FOR WHAT IS?”  

Then I couldn’t sleep (as has been the pattern since I lost the baby, even though I am so incredibly exhausted), and for the first time since my loss, I sat and meditated.   

What I felt was a miracle.  Such an incredible outpouring of love and light filling my body through my heart, my 7th chakra, and my open palms.  I was actually embodying the love and light that so many beautiful souls have been sending me.  I FELT IT AND EMBODIED IT.  

And then I fell asleep.

I woke up to my alarm after very little sleep, and although my head ached from sleep deprivation and all that my physical body has been enduring for the last several days, I sprang out of bed in a similar fashion to Scrooge after his life-changing night.  I went down to the kitchen and made my kids (raw) breakfast in bed, and woke them up with joy.  

I said “Mommy is back,” and they all beamed and squealed with delight at the sight of raw chocolate chip cookies shaped into hearts, raw heart chocolates, raw vanilla macaroons, apple slices, pear slices, raw chocolate pudding, and vanilla nut milk.  They didn’t skip a beat—and began chatting about the day to come and how beautiful the sun was in the sky.

After dropping the kids at school and receiving countless hugs and tearful “I’m sorry’s,” I went to Prana Power Yoga Newton and took class with my husband.  

My body is surprisingly strong after the whole ordeal, and I soaked up the practice like a sponge, and didn’t cry once—a different experience than the other two times I’ve practiced at Prana Newton since I lost the baby, when I sobbed several times during the practice.

I booked out of the studio after class before anyone could inquire how I was feeling (many don’t know I’ve lost the baby and end up feeling so awful/embarrassed when they ask, so I was hoping they could read it on Super-mom.com before connecting with me live, to avoid the awkwardness), and went home to shower and eat from the abundant refrigerator in our kitchen, thanks to so many wonderful friends, students, and our Prana Raw Café chef, who’ve bestowed lots of yummy raw foods on us since we lost the baby.

And now as I go to sleep, I am in awe of the resiliency of the human spirit.  I am in no way in denial and am very aware of what I have lost, but I am also now keenly aware of what I have gained.

Even more gratitude and presence in the NOW than before.  Even more connection with other beings.  A strong compassion and empathy for every Super-mom who’s gone through this type of loss or other losses and every Super-person who’s been through any type of loss.  Even more joy in each moment—when possible—and when not, even more surrender to what is (what is may be sobbing or being quiet or wanting to be left alone).  A total surrender to the flow of life and understanding that time and control really are illusions.

I’m taking it one day at a time.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

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